The Golden Child role

In family systems theory, the “Golden Child” refers to a child who is idealised, favoured, and often placed on a pedestal by one or both parents. This role typically emerges in dysfunctional family systems, particularly those with “narcissistic” parents or other unhealthy dynamics that include rigid family roles.

While the Scapegoat is blamed for existing, the Golden Child is rewarded for abandoning themselves completely and performing a role that serves the ego or needs of the emotionally immature parent. Both are denied true connection.

Harmful effects of being the Golden Child

Despite appearing to be privileged, being designated as the golden child can cause significant psychological and emotional harm.

Identity development issues

Golden children may struggle to develop an authentic sense of self because their worth becomes tied to achievements, compliance, and meeting parental expectations rather than their intrinsic value as a human. Thus objectified and instrumentalised, the Golden Child may never fully discover who they are outside that role, or they may sense it but feel crushing shame and guilt for harbouring authentic needs, wants, urges, joys, sorrows and impulsions that might conflict with the role.

Perfectionism and anxiety

The pressure to maintain their special status can lead to perfectionism, fear of failure, and chronic anxiety. They may believe they’re only lovable when performing well.

Difficulty setting boundaries

Golden children typically internalise the belief that their primary purpose is fulfilling their parents’ needs and wishes, making it challenging to establish healthy boundaries later in life.

Conditional self-worth

Their self-esteem becomes contingent on external validation and achievement rather than self-acceptance.

Relationship difficulties

The Golden Child may struggle with equal partnerships, either unconsciously recreating the parent-child dynamic by seeking someone to idealise them or by taking on a caretaker or saviour role, in which all their needs can be abandoned all over again. The role can leave the Golden Child vulnerable to abusers who are ready to weaponise the Golden Child’s need for external validation.

Sibling alienation

The differential treatment can create resentment from siblings, leading to strained or broken sibling relationships that may persist into adulthood, especially if the siblings are not aware of the family dynamics at play and how they are being manipulated. The Golden Child’s continued status may be contingent upon them reinforcing the Scapegoat role, by bullying, exclusion or abuse on behalf of the unwell parent, which can create fractured sibling relationships.

Delayed emotional development

The golden child’s emotional needs are typically overlooked, as the focus remains on their achievements and usefulness to the family system.

Guilt and responsibility

They frequently feel responsible for family harmony and may experience guilt when trying to establish independence.

Revolving doors

One of the games an emotionally immature parent can play is promoting and demoting their objectified children. If a Golden Child ever succeeds in finding themselves and establishing independence, they may be turned into a Scapegoat. In a way, a fully established family Scapegoat exists as a warning and a threat to the Golden Child: “Don’t you dare try to leave this group, or this will happen to you.” High-control religious groups work in exactly the same way. Going from pedestal to pariah can emotionally break even the strongest person and bring them back into the fold.

Healing and growing away from the role

Work to help a Golden Child heal can look very much like work to heal a Scapegoat, in the sense that it involves accepting and naming the dysfunction that created their role, discovering who the person really is outside of their role, understanding and meeting their present and past needs and working on building attachment and secure base outside the family system.

There is, however, one major difference: the areas in which grief is encountered. While the Scapegoat will ultimately have to grieve for the family they wanted but never got, the Golden Child will have to grieve for the family they thought they had but didn’t, for the idealised person they were told they were but aren’t and for the person they could have been, if they had simply been loved unconditionally.

While the overt abuse and injustice suffered by a Scapegoat can make them the one most likely to abandon the dysfunctional family and break the cycle, the covert nature by which the Golden Child is harmed can make them the one least likely to escape. If you know a Golden Child, be kind. You cannot imagine the violence done to their personality in secret. And if you suspect you are a Golden Child, then let me say this. I can guarantee that the real you in full unabashed bloom is a thousand times more beautiful and powerful than whatever two-dimensional role your family assigned to you. I can’t wait to see the real, whole you take up space.

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